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Funny
Love Stories
Students English
The e-mail says they are taken from actual high
school essays and collected by English teachers
across the country for their own amusement. Some
of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers.
What do you think?
1. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing
up.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without
Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come
from experience, like a guy who went blind because
he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers
of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity
came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like
when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across the grassy field toward each
other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland
at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from
Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s
teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like
two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant,
and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind
like a steel trap, only one that had been left out
so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog
at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.
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